no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
