OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
