he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
