I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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