I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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