It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
