Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
