god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
