the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
