I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
