so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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