you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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