too bad you live with your parents still
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
