This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
