I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
