drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just gargled with NyQuil
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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