After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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