he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
