just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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