I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
