My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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