remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
