Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
