oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
