I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
