so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
