I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
