I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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