just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
