i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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