Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
