Where are you?
In a non slutty way
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
