you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
