Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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