im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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