some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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