i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
