How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
