mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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