so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
