She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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