Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
