i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
