Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
