he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We are all done wearing pants today
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
