Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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