I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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