Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
