chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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