If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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